The other night, I drove over a opossum that was laying in the middle of my lane.  I said a little prayer that he was just playing dead because he was frightened, hoping that he wasn't really road kill.  The experience brought back a memory, one that is as vivid as the night it happened.

 

I had just completed my junior year of high school, the summer was fresh, and I had only been driving since the previous Christmas so I was still tentative behind the wheel.  I don't remember where I was going; I know I was running some kind of an errand for my parents.  I was on Boudinot Avenue, coming up on where it intersects Glenway, in front of the LaRosa's call center.  All of a sudden traffic stopped short and I witnessed the most horrible thing I have ever seen in person.  A raccoon had been hit by a car, its head split open.  It had a horrendous seizure as it was caught in its death throes and every car in both directions was stopped, unable to proceed until the terrible scene that held us spellbound had played out.  I remember praying that I had a gun, a knife, something to put the poor animal out of its misery, all the while knowing that I didn't have the guts to actually go through with it.  I remember being grateful that I didn’t have something so that I didn’t have to face my own cowardice.  I prayed that someone else would do what I couldn't - or at least hit the raccoon again with their car to hasten the inevitable. 

 

No one did anything.  We were all froze, in suspended animation, until the raccoon finally ceased its horrible dance a few minutes later.  Then we all drove on to wherever we were going, cruising past the spent and bloody body.  I didn’t realize I was crying until much later.

 

When I got home, I had to express the emotion, the power of what I had seen.  And maybe, also eulogize the poor creature that had been in the wrong place at the worst possible time.

 

And so I wrote “Something Happened”.  A poem nearly completely forgotten until I happened to see a opossum in the road the other night.

 

Something Happened

 

Something happened today

(made me cry)

It was Universal

(sun, moon, sky)

The world was

Twisted. Tossed. Torn

So much pain

(didn’t hear the horn)

Hard black rubber

Impact. SHOUT!

God?!? What was it?

Let’s find out.

Hold on…

Slow down…

I think I see it…

Thrashing! Fighting! Crushed!

(yet trying)

Tonight I watched a raccoon dying.

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul. You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have. Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone. You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

A while back, a friend gave me a copy of The Kite Runner.  I finished it a week ago.  I have very strong negative feelings towards the book.  I will never read it again and I will most likely remove it from my home in short order.

 

Technically, the novel is quite good.  The organization of the work, the compelling storytelling and the author's gifted way with adjectives are all points in the book's favor.

 

On the negative: I recoil in disgust from many of the elements of the story.  I could barely continue to read (and only did so at my friend's urging) when I saw what happened after the kite contest was won and the runner up's kite was run.  To be fair, good times were also included in the story, and they too were communicated so well that you could imagine being there, being a part of it.  In my opinion, the bad times far outweighed the good and I felt that much of the violence was gratutious and not strictly related to the storyline of the novel.

 

The ending is a cliche, and although it tied everything up neatly, it left me feeling like we had neared the end of the half-hour and the sitcom family had to make up from this week's fight before the final commercial break. 

 

The novel is written in the first person, and it is so convincing that it is hard for me to think of the work as anything but an autobiography.  Unfortunately, it also creates far too clear a mental picture in my head.  It is one thing to know that unspeakably horrible assults to humanity happen every day.  It is quite another to envision the faces, to know the story of the person it is happening to, and to read the chilling and graphic details of the violations.

 

I do have a little more insight into the culture and lifestyle of the people who have been ravaged by years of war and oppression in Afganistan, and that is a credit to the author.  I was once told that sucessful art reaches out and grabs you, takes hold of your emotions, and leaves a lasting and profound impact on you.  According to that definition, The Kite Runner is art. 

 

During the two days I was reading it, I fell asleep thinking about it and woke up with the thoughts fresh in my mind.  Throughout the day scenes from the novel replayed in my mind.  Even now, a week later, certain scenes resonate in my thoughts.  This story, and my heart felt reaction to it, are going to stick with me for a long, long time.  If I were given the chance to do it over, I would have never started reading this book in the first place.

Hi there!  Shawn and I have been talking about Dr Ponseti's offer since he made it.  I'm not sure that we ever felt like we wouldn't take him, but there are a lot of things to consider before just winging in to Iowa.

 

Will insurance cover the medical treatment?  Yes.  Bless their hearts.  They will cover all medical charges.

 

Will insurance cover travel to the hospital? No.  Good luck though!  lol

 

How much are plane tickets? Northwest has round trip fares for $298 before taxes and fees.  We would not need a ticket for Wesley because he is under 2 years old.  I have looked into the free flights, it would be hard for us to get one because we can't demonstrate financial need.  Plus the moral dilema of taking a free flight that someone with a greater need should have received.

 

Who all will go?  Wesley and I for sure.  Shawn will stay home for sure.  He is on a new team at work and can't take the time off right now.  That leaves Colleen.  I would have to buy a plane ticket for her if she came.  It would most likely be a reduced fare ticket, but count on $298 like mine to be on the safe side.  Otherwise, have her stay home and go to daycare full time, $20 a day.  Shawn would have to be home by 6pm every night, or I would have to arrange with neighbors to pick her up and keep her until Shawn could get home.

 

Other travel expenses: Ronald McDonald House - $15 a night for 10 nights = $150.00      Food - estimate $30 a day if just Wes and I, $45 a day if Colleen comes as well.  Food for 10 days $300-$450.  Incidentals (laundry, entertainment, etc.) figure $200. 

All told, for one trip, we are easily looking at $1000 to $1200, if Colleen doesn't come (includes cost of daycare).  If she does come, $1400 - $1600 (airfare and extra food, plus possibly needing a family suite at RMH which is $20 a night). 

 

When will we go?  I have emailed back and asked how to go about getting an appointment and what comes first - Ronald McDonald house approval or the appointment?  I really do not want to miss Halloween and I have a social engagement the weekend after.  Then the weekend after that I have promised to make a cake for Colleen's friend's birthday.  That leaves a narrow window of time before Thanksgiving.  We have plans to visit Shawn's grandparents in Florida and to take Colleen to Disney World.  Strictly speaking though, none of those things are carved in stone.  All could be cancelled or postponed.  Even the trip to Disney.  Although we are looking forward to going, especially Colleen, we really can only afford to (A) Go to Florida or (B) Go to Iowa.

 

I have emailed all my questions to Dr Ponseti's secretary, Joyce.  They are all wonderful about relpying quickly, so I imagine I will know more in a few days.

 

No matter what, before we go, I am going to take Wesley to Dr. Frick.  We want to stay with Dr. Frick as our local "maintenance" check up doctor.  While Wesley is growing he has to be seen by an orthopaedic doctor at various intervals to make sure that his foot is growing in the correct position and not losing correction.  Dr. Frick is certified by Dr. Ponseti to use his method and Dr. Ponseti had nice things to say about Dr. Frick.  I want to keep him in the loop and to tell him personally that us going to Iowa is not about him or even about the treatment he has prescribed for Wesley.  I suspect that if we had started with Dr. Frick from the get-go, we wouldn't be where we are with Wesley's foot today.  Incorrect corrections can often be worse to treat than an uncorrected foot, so it is not as if Dr. Frick were starting on an even playing field.  Added to that are my experiences with the other 2 doctors and at this point, I think I am only going to be comfortable with what Dr. Ponseti himself says.  Although Shawn teases me that I may even doubt him! 

 

It is a foriegn concept for him that I do not immediately trust everything a doctor says to me.  To him, the doctor knows best and we are to follow their orders.  I used to want to be a doctor.  I used to work with doctors, both at the hospital and in the private practice I worked for.  I've seen first hand that they are only human.  They are not immune to making mistakes, nor can we expect them to give us every scrap of information that may be related to the condition they are treating us for.  The best healthcare is achieved when the patient (or, in this case, the patient's mother!) takes a proactive stance, does their own research, asks lots of questions and then decides if what the doctor is suggesting is the best way to go.  So yes, if Dr Ponseti also recommends ATTT surgery for Wesley's foot, I am liable to whisk him off to St. Louis to see Dr. Dobbs to get 3rd party confirmation that surgery is the best way to go.  And even then, it is going to be hard for me to keep my mouth shut and not advise them on exactly how I would do the tendon transfer, you know, if I were them.  :)

 

HUGS!  -Jen

Last night Colleen called me back to her room twice after she was tucked in.  The first time was to ask for a drink of milk, and I obliged.  The second time was a request "nuggle me" and more milk.  I said yes to the snuggle and no to the milk.  So she asked for water instead.  Water.  Pronounced exactly the way it is spelled, water.

 

Goodbye Waugen. 

 

It was an adorable mispronounciation, and now it is outgrown.  She grows up so fast it brings tears to my eyes.  We'll just say that my eyes have filled with "water".

 

HUGS  -Jen

 

PS Tonight it was more of the same.  She didn't want "fuffvers" anymore, now she wants "covers".

-----Original Message-----
From: Jen Mahan
Sent: Tuesday, October 17, 2006 11:29 PM
To: Roller, Joyce
Subject: RE: From Dr. Ponseti

Thank you for replying to me so quickly, I am impressed!  :)
 
I tried to get as clear a shot as possible of the requested positions.  Wesley is quite wiggle-y.  He is not walking yet and only likes to stand if he can use his arms to help support his weight, so it was difficult to get good front and back shots of him.  We had to bribe him with M&Ms and let him use a short bench to hold on to.
 
I compressed the photos so that they are "email" size in my photo program.  If you have problems seeing them, I can send higher resolution photos. 
 
Photo Captions:
#72: Front standing - notice big toe is up, mark on the top of his ankle is from brace.  He had been out of them for 12 hours at the time the photo was taken.  Pressure saddles have helped, it was larger and more red before we got the pressure saddles.
#73: Front standing - when we get big toe to stay down, top of foot curls in
#74: This is the first front standing picture after we had the idea to let him hold on to the bench.  His big toe is sticking up again (it does that a lot)
#75: We call this "Flamingo-ing".  This is how Wesley usually stands.
#76: Front standing - what it looks like when we help position him.  He will only stand this way for a few seconds, max.
#77: Back standing - Big toe is up, he doesn't like to put weight on right foot, red circle towards outside of heel is from brace.  We always put 2 pairs of socks on him to help pad, Dr. Frick said to let it blister, treat the blister with slick band-aid and the skin will start to toughen up.
#78: Back standing - Toe up, we did get him to put some weight on the club foot, but he stands on the side of the foot
#79: Inside view of Left, non-clubbed foot
#80: Outside view of Right, clubbed foot
#81: Inside view of Right, clubbed foot
#83: Outside view of Left, non-clubbed foot
#84: What his right clubbed foot looks like in the Mitchell brace.  His heel has come down significantly since he first started wearing the shoes, still doesn't touch bottom, but markedly improved since we started with them.

Thank you very much for looking at these photos for me.  If you need a different angle, a more clear shot, or higher resolution pictures, please let me know and I will get them to you ASAP.
 
Sincerely,
Jen Mahan

---

Subject: From Dr. Ponseti
Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2006 09:52:47 -0500
From: Joyce Roller (Dr Ponseti's secretary)
To: Jen Mahan

I would be happy to review photos of Wesley's feet.  I would like to see him standing on a hard surface (not carpet) in his bare feet from the front and from the back.  I need to see him from the knees down.  Then have him lie on his back; place the palm of your hand on the sole of his foot and press the foot up into dorsiflexion.  Take a side view of each foot in this position so I can compare the right clubfoot with his normal left foot.

 

Dr. Frick is very knowledgeable in the treatment of clubfoot.

 

An anterior tibial tendon transfer to the third cuneiform is sometimes necessary but we wait until the child is at least 2 1/2 to 3 years old.  If you go to the web site www.global-help.org and click on Publications, you can download a copy of Clubfoot:  Ponseti Management, which contains a section on this surgery.

 

I.V. Ponseti, M.D.

-----Original Message-----
From: Jen Mahan

Sent: Friday, October 13, 2006 11:34 AM
To: Ponseti, Ignacio
Subject: Request for advice on a 17 month old with RCF

Hello there!
 
I am Jennifer Mahan and I live in ****, North Carolina.  My son, Wesley was born with a right club foot.  He is currently 17 months old.  He has seen 3 local orthopaedic physicians and his course of treatment has varied significantly, although each doctor has professed to use the Ponseti method.  He has had two tendon releases performed, one when he was an infant by Dr. Wattenbarger, and one about a month ago by Dr. Frick.  He has a severe aversion to the Markells and Denis-Browne bar, because, in my opinion, his foot was not fully corrected the first time (and possibly the second time) we put him in them.  In an attempt to find a solution that Wesley could tolerate, we sought a second opinion with Dr. Greene.  Dr. Greene recommended an AFO.  That too failed, because as I later learned, a single AFO does not hold the foot out at the correct angle to maintain correction.  Dr. Greene has since stopped practicing and we started with Dr. Frick about two months ago.  I was excited that Dr. Frick was on the list of Ponseti trained doctors because at this point I am wary of orthopaedic physicians.  My son has been wearing the Mitchell brace since last Monday, almost 2 weeks ago.  His club foot has red marks across the top of the foot where the middle strap hits and on the back of his heel where one of the circular cut outs is.  MD Ortho sent me the pressure saddles and that is helping with the red mark on the top of the foot. Dr Frick originally told us to keep him in the shoes only when he slept.  When I questioned that and said that everything I read said that he needed to be 23x7 for the first three months, he said that that is true for younger children, but that since my son was older it was important to have him out of the brace when he was awake so that he could learn to walk.  That walking was the best therapy.  He did say that I could have him wear the brace longer, and for the first several days he did wear it 23x7.  Maybe 5 or 6 days into wearing the brace, I noticed how stiff Wesley's foot already is again, and I called back.  Dr. Frick reiterated the importance of removing the brace during waking hours and, against my better judgement, I have been doing that since.
 
That history brings us up to the present.  I truly believe that Wesley's foot has lost full correction again.  We are not due back to see Dr. Frick for almost two more months.  My fear is that his foot will be completely reverted again by that point.  All three doctors we have seen have mentioned further surgery than just a TAL, specifically Anterior Tibialis Tendon Transfer surgery.  I strongly prefer for him not to have surgery unless it is absolutely necessary and I am afraid that if we go back in 2 months with a relapsed foot we will be told that the ATTT surgery is required for his treatment.  Dr. Frick has said that his right leg muscles have atrophied and that only one tendon in his right foot is working.
 
I am not exactly sure of what steps to take next.  I belong to the No Surgery For Clubfoot email group and they recommend emailing you since you are the authority on the subject.  I would be happy to send you photos of his foot if that would help you to advise me.  If Dr Frick is right on track as far as the corrective process goes, I will follow his treatment directives. 
 
Thank you very much for your time.
 
Sincerely,
 
Jennifer

Colleen is at the developmental stage where she is trying to figure out exactly where she is in the order of things, and how people relate to one another.  The social hierarchy if you will. 

 

A few weeks ago, her best friend, Megan, who is the youngest of three, recently taught Colleen the phrase, "You're not the boss of me!". 

 

It is  pretty darn adorable to watch three year olds tell one another who is and is not the boss.  The novelty is quickly lost when every request or directive I give my daughter is answered with, "You're not the boss of me!"

 

"Well actually, honey, I AM the boss of you."

 

"No!  You. Aren't. Da. Boss. Of. Me!"

 

"Colleen, I am the mommy.  I am the adult.  I am in charge and that makes me the boss of you."

 

"You're the boss of me?"

 

"Yes, Coco, and daddy is the boss of you too."

 

"No!  Daddy no da boss of me, momma.  Daddy's da boss of YOU, mom!"

 

We're all laughing too hard at this point (even poor clueless Wes joins in!) and the conversation dies off for a minute.  After things calm down, and Colleen has had a chance to think, she offers up,

 

"You're a dood (good) boss mom.  You're a dood boss.  You're da boss of Yeswey, momma.  A dood boss."

 

Thanks for clearing that up for me, Colleen.  I'll be sure to have the updated org chart on your desk before I leave today.

As long time bloggin buddies know, Wes is on his 3rd orthopaedic physician as we work to correct his right clubbed foot.  The third doctor comes highly recommended, but I still had those nagging doubts in the back of my mind, and after some consideration, I decided to contact Dr Ponseti himself (originator of "The Ponseti Method", the most widely used form of non-surgical club foot correction today).  I emailed him last Friday with a brief summary of Wesley's treatment history and I received a response back today.  He requested photographs of specific poses (legs from knees down, front and back while standing) Dorsiflexion of both clubbed and non-clubbed foot (side view of foot being flexed so that it is perpendicular to his leg). 

 

Shawn and I took the pictures tonight and I emailed him back.  I hope to hear back again soon, I am pins and needles waiting to hear what he has to say.

 

His email indicated that he thinks highly of Dr Frick's abilities to treat club foot, which is reassuring.  He also sent me a link to a document he wrote, specifically a section on the ATTT surgery that Wes may have to have.  He says that the surgery is a necessity for some difficult feet.

 

I am going to post a few of the pictures that I sent to Dr Ponseti in this post, and when I get around to it, I will update the photo diary with all of the pictures that I have since the last time I updated it (I've been slacking!).

 

I'll update again once I hear back from Dr Ponseti again.  Until then, I am not sure I am going to be able to update... it is hard to type with your fingers crossed!  lol

 

Love, Jen

 

 

Last night we had slushies quite late and because of all of the sugar and caffiene I couldn't settle enough to sleep until after 3am.  But I also couldn't focus on anything either.  I ended up wasting all of the time on...  well on nothing I suppose, and when I was finally tired enough to go to bed, I was too tired to bother with going back downstairs and doing the final tidying up.  I rationalized it by saying that it was almost 3:30 am and because it was so late I had missed the opportunity for the star any ways.   

 

The kids got up bright and early this morning and since I needed to do my grocery shopping, I decided to go straight away and bring the kids with me so that Shawn could sleep in a little more.  While I was gone, he did all of the cleaning necessary to earn my nightly star on the calendar, plus some.  It was wonderful to walk into a clean house and it still makes me smile to think of the look of pride he had on his face when he showed us all what he had accomplished.

 

Then he brought in the groceries and kept the kids entertained while I got the cold things put away.  We got Wes to bed for his nap and decided to watch a movie (Blues Brothers).  He and I snuggled up on the couch, and not long after that, Colleen climbed up and tucked in around us.  I "rested my eyes" for a bit.  I can't remember a time when I have had a more peaceful nap.

 

Tonight as I put my star on the calendar, I noticed that he added the missing one from last night.  Shawn, you made my day.  Your encouragement and support makes my efforts worthwhile and it helps me to stay focused on what really counts.

 

I love you!  HUGS  -Jen 

I have been remiss in my blogging, I know.  I've got a lot on my mind and while this is usually the place where I set it all down and work it all out, I don't think it is the best forum for me at the time.  And since I can't seem to write about things that aren't on my mind, I haven't been able to write anything at all.

 

Over all, life is good.  House is doing well.  I am in so much better of a place emotionally when my house is tidy.  Everyone has their happy place and I have discovered that my happy place is my home.

 

Wesley's foot (and, subsequently, his new doctor) is bothering me.  I fear it is reverting again and I do not trust the doctor's advice on the matter.  Wait and see is NOT an acceptable course of action for a reverting club foot.  On the plus side, he is tolerating the Ponseti / Mitchel brace very well.  He has already come to expect it before each nap and bed time.  However, the quality of Wesley's treatment to date has frustrated and dissappointed me.  I emailed the expert on club foot correction, the internationally recognized Dr. Ponseti, and asked his advice.  He trained Wesley's current doctor, maybe he has approved the deviations from standard correction protocol that Wesley's new doctor has advised?  The prognosis on Wesley's foot keeps being downgraded.  At first he was mild to moderate, then moderate, then moderate/severe, then severe, now atypical/severe.  From what I understand there is another classification referred to as "complex".  I have been told by all 3 doctors that Wesley may need more invasive surgery than what is typically necessary to correct a club foot.  I hope he doesn't.  Maybe I am too paranoid because of the 4 previous relapses.  Maybe his foot is actually fine.  Or, Maybe I am indulging in a fair bit of wishful thinking.

 

In happy news, most of my Christmas shopping is done.  So far we are under budget.  I love those words... under budget.  It's the novelty of them... they barely ever come out of my mouth!

 

One of these days I will upload new pictures of Wesley's foot and his fancy new brace.  And I have made all kinds of cakes since the last time I posted pictures.  My favorite one so far is a maze that I did on top of a sheet cake.  It had the child's age worked into the maze and it was actually solvable.  I made it out of chocolate jimmies and I had to set each and every one of them individually with toothpicks.  But it was worth it.  Very cool effect!  Ok folks, that is all from me tonight. 

 

HUGS  -Jen

Since I have become a mother I find that I am more concerned about international issues.  The front runner these days is war.  Seems like countries are all trying to position themselves for superiority in some kind of global power shake down.

 

I have been taught since I was small to see the humanity in everyone.  The golden rule has factored heavily in my decisions and behavior.  I desire respect. so I treat others with respect.

 

Blogging has added another dimension to this philosophy.  Most of my Bloggin Buddies live in America, but several don't and they bring their own experiences and outlooks to their blogs and I learn from them.  (Spice?  You reading this?  LOL).  By communicating regularly with individuals that live in other countries, I am able to personalize my impressions of these countries and think outside of the stereotypes of each nationality of people.

 

All of my buddies love their friends and family, they are hardworking, earnest, and are doing their best with what they've got.  Sure, I've had my differences of opinion with some of you, but when we express our views via this medium, we read what the other has to say and learn from each other's perspectives.  The realization that has had the most impact on me is that even though our political views may be labeled differently, at the core of most issues, Spice, Evefading, and I all want the same things - dignity, fairness, respect, and honesty for all people.

 

I truly believe that if today's political leaders would but aside the negativity, posturing, past wrongs, and egos and just work together, peace could be realized.

 

And then all of the billions of dollars the world is throwing at sustaining current wars and preparing for future wars - that money could vaccinate all of our children.  It could go towards cancer, AIDS, and other important medical research.  It could house the homeless and educate the youth.  Most importantly, it would be the most beautiful and amazing example we could possibly give the children, our future leaders.

 

I know, I know.  It is an unrealistic dream.  A lovely, but nonetheless unrealistic, dream.  However, I know for a fact that kindness starts at home.  I may not be able to influence the president of the United States, or Castro, or the leaders of North Korea, or the Taliban.  But I can guide my own children, and perhaps even touch my neighbors.  My words may resonate with you, and thusly, all of those within your sphere of influence.  Eventually, if enough people embrace kindess and humanity, it will triumph over hatred and fear.

 

It's worth a shot, because when you strip away nuclear bombs, trade embargos, economic sanctions and all of the other inflammatory political posturing, all we've really got is each other.

I'm still here.  We began re-arranging the computer room last week and my computer hasn't had internet access for a while.  Shawn's PC is hard to use, he uses a beta version of a new operating system and it is fairly different from the XP I am used to.

 

Things have been busy around here, which is good.  I like to stay occupied.

 

The weather was awesome today.  I LOVE days where it is overcast and drizzle-y and a bit windy.  Felt like fall to me.  I stayed inside and puttered around the house all day, wearing my ultra comfy terry cloth "sweat" pants from old navy and didn't put on shoes at all.  Had candles burning and dinner in the crock pot... Bliss!

 

I have been having these weird yo-yo feelings lately.  I have periods of serene peace and contentment, then without warning I slide into tension, anxiety - just a bad mood in general.  Shawn keeps asking me what is wrong and if I am ok and it is kind of freaking me out.  I don't think anything is wrong.  I (mostly) feel ok.  But I can't explain the periods of short temperedness (did I just make up a word?).  For example, right at this moment, my entire family is asleep, cats included.  It is just me, sitting here at my beautiful and totally cleaned off desk, glancing up at the print on the wall above my desk that we have been meaning to hang for a couple of years now (cross that one off the To Do List!).  Colleen is pretty much potty trained for during the day.  It was a light switch that flipped.  From the first day I had her back at Janice's for preschool 3 weeks ago she has worn panties all day long and she had only one accident.  Wes is out of his cast and into his new Ponseti / Mitchell brace and has for the most part accepted it well.  Shawn had some comp time coming and he got to have a 5 day weekend.  And he just got 100% on a certification test at work, and he gets to start working as part of a new team on Monday, which he is excited (and a little nervous) about.  I am so proud of him.  I fell off the wagon for 3 days and didn't get my star, but I am back on track now and the house is still in pretty darn good shape.  Even my acne is mostly cleared up.  So why do I keep feeling so frustrated with myself?  Why can't I figure out what is wrong and just fix it?  How do I prevent these emotional ups and downs?

 

I feel like if I were a hamster running on a wheel I would keep tripping on my own feet and fall down.  Sure, I keep getting back up, but the tripping and falling is getting pretty damn discouraging.  Shawn, it is like in high school, when I just couldn't get chemistry.  My mind still struggles with the concept of a mole.  I WANT to understand it.  I should be able to understand it.  Comprehension glimmers right on the edge of consciousness for me, but I can't actually realize it.  I feel that way about keeping my life in order.  Like I will never be able to fully get it, no matter how hard I try.  It is like there is this organizational utopia that I will never reach because each time I get close in one area I fall painfully behind in another.

 

If you can't tell I am currently having one of my "low" times.  I feel like stepping out of my body and shaking myself.  Or at the very least, taking myself by the shoulders, looking deep into my own eyes and saying very distinctly and firmly, "Get A Grip On Yourself"  I've been taking my medicine every day.  So it's not like I can blame it on that.

 

Grrr. 

 

Oh well.  It is now 1:30am and I have read mostly everyone's sites now and Wesley (who has been struggling to fall asleep all evening) is finally quiet.  Guess I will go make a final walk through of the house to make sure all is in order, put my sticker on the calendar, and head on to bed.

 

Hugs  -Jen